Why do people misunderstand things, i have dad that don’t seem to understand why i like jenny, he called her so many names and still does when he wants to get back at me I grow up in a special school a school in which all my friends had some sort of disability in inability as i see it, When he’s really pissed off i get loads of shit thrown at me about my past about how i let everyone down about how i’m not good enough to do things because i don’t have the skills that others do..
He’s right i don’t, since being attacked in town some years ago i struggle to get over my fears regardless of how many times i go there with jenny or others. i’m constantly looking over my shoulder constantly making sure i’m not far aware from my car or have a escape route planned should i find myself in a situation i don’t feel comfortable with.
jenny asked if i’d had something to eat tonight like always i say yes but how do i explain that with all the medication i’m on i don’t really want to eat anything, it tastes of nothing its boring day in day out we have ready meals now mum isn’t here, i can make food but need help and by the time dad tries to help he has to sit down because of the pain and then i have to finish what he has stated so it’s hard work for me.
Plus i can’t safely life hot items hence why i never ever have hot drinks when i’m out the side effects of years of medication means i have a noticeable tremor if you are looking close enough (i’ve learnt how to hide it) but it means that holding hot drinks or food isn’t a option for me there is one problem with it i never get something hot to eat or drink if i go out driving or i’m at a meeting..
Today i’m up and down with my thoughts this morning i didn’t want to be waking up but now i’m up i don’t want to sleep i have a headache yet again though so will just want for that to go. I have felt really sick all day, mind you i really don’t want a drink of tea every morning these days i have a glass of milk for my tablets and then nothing else for the rest of the day.
I’m just not interested! i try to get on with things hide away from how i feel and look after those that i’m with. I treat people i don’t want to be treated myself. If i don’t have the cash i don’t have anything full stop. And i don’t accept anything else?
I borrow nothing i give always i’m blacklisted by request from me for credit cards and bank loans or morgages for life, it was part of an agreement i made with a back when i found myself in massive debt after the relationship with my ex went tits up.
I remember i only went into hospital for two weeks and by that times she had got the wrong end of the stick and took it that i was seeing someone else, she never checked with anyone if i was unwell i was guarantor for the rented property she lived in with her 5 yr old son I i lost everything that day my life savings my reputation and my friends.
I gained debts of nearly £10,000 and my depression kicked in i was left without my saving and owed so many people, i made an agreement with the banks that they would write off my debts about £4,500 as long as i agreed to pay a loan each month until November 2014 and volunteer blacklist myself for life from applying for any credit cards or loans or mortgages. However i could still apply for credit cards with high APR rate but i must repay in full anything i owe to anyone.
This is why i’m pay everyone and don’t do IOU’s or take any expenses for anything i volunteer to do, if i’m out of pocket its my problem my fault. just like it was my fault to trust someone to be my next of kin and take care of my finances if i was taken unwell. which like a fool i was just 3 weeks later.
A lesson i will never forget and a reason why i don’t do lots of things