I feel so crap!

I’ve just got back from a morning out with dad and Sarah now she’s come in to work we have been to Tesco and mums grave to put some more flowers there i just feel so crap my chest is wheezing like crazy and i’m just not got the energy to get around my dad was faster on his electric scooter than i was today.

 I don’t know how to tell him i just don’t want to be there i haven’t got the energy any


more to walk around after him. I’m happy to drive and just sit but i don’t feel like being a part of things its so difficult to explain that to people i’m seen as lazy but i’m not. You live in my world i want to do loads of things and i start stuff but just can’t keep the motivation to keep going with them. I registered with company house FINNEY FAMILY UK LTD on the 26th October 2016 with a plan to run a business where i could keep mum’s memory alive and where i could help other people and do the things i love in the process, but nearly two years down the line i’ve made nothing and just given up again the motivation has gone because no one is interest in what i’m doing or i get to tired doing stuff and then leave it. So my dreams of running my own legal family business i didn’t even get that right.

I couldn’t get my head around doing the book keeping even though i know exactly what i’m doing i just wanted someone to be proud of me but everyone side they would support me and “come and talk to us, if you need help” but when i didn’t no one wanted to get involved so i failed yet again, now i have to submit paperwork to dissolve my dream company at pay the fine for make a fool of myself again.

I love my work with computers and helping other people but what use am i if i can’t even help myself i wanted to setup and run a care company where people where treated as people instead of a income source i wanted to setup a gold standard mark for organisations and business that sucessfully provided adiqate access for those with mobility issues instead of telling them to use the back door.

I lost the motivation after all the people i approached thought it was a good idea but didn’t have the time or didn’t want to get involve or wanted it to be where businesses could volunteer to take part, people don’t take part if you ask them to volunteer everyone wants something for doing something. No one believes like i do that giving means giving not working a few hours thinking you are top dog but then taking your cut out of the funds raised before giving the rest to the organisation you are supporting.

Why is greed the only thing in this world that people are interested in these days, its not fair and i hate it.. I just wish i could disappear off the face of the each for a long long time. gain a new identity and go somewhere where no one knows me, but i can’t i have a dam medical condition which means i need support and intervention from others sometimes. The people wonder why i’m depression gets the better of me and i say nothing about it sometimes.

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