Shakey day

Today i woken up 8.15am and did the same struggles as every morning. I took my meds then got my coat on and went out and took the full wheelie bin down the garden to the gate ready for the bin men today.

Only to hear dad shout “don’t forget the recycling to and open the back gate o and don’t forget the side gates” Out side gate are 4 houses up from us. They give us access to the private courtyard and garages to our block of 6 town houses.

So i went off and did that Although i didnt realise until after that its bucketing it down again. Next time ill remember my coat.

While i was opening the gate’s i decided that it would save me some leg work and energy if i got my car out the garage and drove it around the front of our houses. That was the easy bit!! Once i done that i needed a rest so I’ve come back in home and took a seat.

Im knackered i could sleep for another week no soon as ive sat down dad wants me to do the washing up and take the recycling rubbish thats in the bin in the kitchen out down the garden to the recycling bin. So as i won’t say no off i go again. Now i am fucked??

So I’ve just got in and took a seat again only for me to get my daily stomach pains and the immediate need to go loo so its a rather rapid 2 steps at a time sprint upstairs to the loo. No warning or chance to rest just a barrage of intense lower stomach pain!!

So bog roll at the ready and phone in hand i take a seat for the bumpy painful ride i have every morning for nearly 20 or so years. Enough time to type this blog entry while i fight the shakey hands that the medication ive taken a hour ago leaves me with.

All the joys of a depressing life last night i couldnt sleep to typed some letters to all the people that mean something to me it will explain why im doing what i do this year.

There is lee and clare and dad. Jenny and nadine as well as charles. Ive asked in my letters to charles and nadine that they support jenny in finding the happiness she desires. Although I’m scared jenny might do something stupid if im not around as thats what she has said loads of times in the past.

My plans aren’t complete yet so neither are the letters. I might not need to sendbthem but the way life is at this minute something is going to happen sooner or later.

Jenny keeps on about wanting a baby and getting married i just want to live each day up to now and not even think about that that’s my dreams she is talking about and their is no chance of any of them happening. I refuse to let a child come into this world without us both being married first. I could never live with myself and i can’t even afford to buy myself something nice at this minute let alone marry or have children.

I sometimes think it would be best all around if me and jenny was no more and i was back on my own again. I wouldn’t be happy but I’m not at this time anyway.

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