Not feeling great!

Today isn’t a great day again it feels like I’m the gofer again. Sarah has turned up today after her 2 weeks of the flu epidemics that conventional swooped through her household over Christmas! So it seems I’m being sent out to collect shopping even and stuff and so far Sarah has made her way through two cups of tea and a full report on the last 2 weeks in the Sarah household.

I’ve gotten up at 8.35 am sat on the side of my bed while i get the energy to get my PJ’s off and put my trousers on then another rest before I put my socks on, i wonder if people really understand how knackering just getting up and dressed is every day. So now my t shirt then my glasses and shoes and one more rest before i take my fucked up lungs downstairs for my medication.

This respiratory disease lark isn’t as fun as it cracked up to be. Dad was fast asleep in the chair behind the door yet again so i walked past him and put my phone on charge near the TV before heading to the kitchen for my medication for the day,

One glass of milk for my tablets then

  • 1 x 100 mg Doxycycline,
  • 1 x 15 mg Lansoprazole,
  • 1 x 180 mg Fexofenadine
  • 1 x 5 mg Amlodipine
  • 1 x 50 mg Sertraline
  • 2 x 5 mg Prednisolone

I wish sometimes i could just spend one whole week without these meds sometimes i’d just love to lead a normal life no medication no worries nothing, but all i get is this. there are some of my medication i choose not to take and i really don’t care if people are happy with what i do or not they aren’t the people taking them. for the past 43 years all i’ve done day in day out is take medication now my body can’t do without them THANKS SO MUCH SHIT WORLD

So i take my morning drugs then off i go to sit in the lounge for a hour and let the things work its pointless me having breakfast as later on in the day it will be wasted in the loo, so i get to sit and watch dad wake up and explain that he had gone bed at 12 am and woken up again at 4 am only to go back sleep again.. all i want to do at this minute is not be here being a carer isn’t as fun as it seems.

I was mums carer for 5 years before she died in 2016 i was awake most nights until about 3 am then when i did get to sleep i was back up and sorting her medication at 7 am a routine that i got used to and when she wasn’t conscious enough to manage her breathing or swallowing i stayed up to keep her safe while dad slept. Always with the same excuses that he was watching her when i was volunteering or shopping so he deserved the sleep. what about me! half the time i struggled but every time someone came to the door to offer support he would say sorry we don’t need help but thanks for asking then close the door on them.

So the support stopped coming and i was left to it much like now i’m not entitled to support because i don’t meet the criteria set out by social services. I have chronic respiratory diseases but i only meet the criteria if i pay for it that would mean the £220 a month i get would have left £45 a month to spend on petrol for the car, my mobile phone bill, the 2 credit cards i’m repaying and the gas and electricity bill as well as buying food for the month. just so i can get an hours social services support from a care agency.

And they can’t help me with shopping or cleaning the hours or make food but they can sit and chat or help me make a list of what i need to shop for, useless and pointless yet its all i’m entitled to.

Mum died on 11th October 2016 from that day i became my dads carer he has Osteoarthritis and both his knee joints are grinding on bone he walks using 2 crotches while he’s out and 1 while he is inside. he stumbles around the house and i can’t help him helping him is tiring me out and i won’t tell him as he will think i’m letting him down again like i’ve always done my whole life.

I’ve had depression on and off for nearly 30 yrs but have learnt not to ask for help or say a word about it i just spend days quiet in my own world its the best way. I can easily make people think i’m fine but i’m not by not means.. people like to give advise and say they want to listen but no one wants to know and no one wants to help so its pointless talking about it.


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