So this afternoon i’ve been home, dads using his tablet computer reading and listening to the radio, i’m on my laptop in the chair sitting quiet like always these days. But i want to be out doing something but dare not leave in case he needs something plus if i do leave he, give me the guilt trip about leaving him alone and what if something happens, I have jenny calling me all the time and i’m ignoring her calls because if i answer them he starts shouting about whats the retard calling for can’t she leave u alone for a hour or so.
Same thing happened with my last relationship she had cerebral palsy and that didn’t last long either. but i lost everything in process that was the last time my depression took hold that was 2006 and at that time it got so bad i tried to commit suicide. This time around i’ve put my self back on the anti depressants that i should have been taking for the past two or three years but their side effects are challenging and i struggle already with the side effects of my other medication.
The last bought of depression meant i shredded my degree in IT and all the course work that i did to get it at the time i felt i’d let my family down and shown everyone up i spent years trying to get that and struggled because of my spelling and reading problems which no one wanted to accept or try and help me with, fellow students wouldn’t help me and i spent many of evenings and night trying hard to write up case studies only to get low marks. the others got their degrees and i just scrapped through.
i was a disgrace and i know it i still am i can’t find something i love doing everytime i find something someone has to throw comments in the fire and i just feel as useless as i always have done, I don’t make friends well or keep them i gained the attitude that it was better to be sarcastic 90% of the time than let people see the really me, no one want to see the really me i’m the joker they court jester the clown i cheer others up i don’t cheer myself up.
I wanted a few years ago to have a go at doing a degree in Counselling or something similar but one i can’t afford to do it it would worry me like crazy if i couldn’t afford to pay for something like it does as it is, i’m blacklisted for most credit cards and loan companies thanks to my ex and these days i try hard to keep cash in my pocket rather than the bank.
Most months my disability money is spent on paying bills i usually have about £50 left over if i’m luck until the next month, i won’t loan anything from anyone i don’t like receiving gifts because their is always a catch somewhere and i’ll have to give it back a few months down the line. At christmas dad gave me £50 money he told me to spend it on myself not on him and not to use it for fuel for the car, but i used it all on fuel for the car and i used my £50 for buying a internet radio for the living room which he didn’t like because it didn’t have its own speaker.
I can’t seem to win so its back in the box and i’m not hearing the last of it. It seems i was my money on stupid things and waste my life on no hopers who don’t have a future and are to needy.
I don’t seem to do so well with anything he found out that i used my christmas money on fuel for the car so i told him i never want anything at christmas from anyone every and lee bought me some lyncs deodrant which he knows i can’t use so when he left i put it straight in the dustbin. just like the other present people bought me.
Someone once asked me if i could do anything for myself what would i do, I don’t know the answer to that because i’ve never had the chance to do anything for myself. I had loads of dreams they are pointless, drs told me its highly unlikely that i will be able to conceive a family. my social skill aren’t great and the only things i’m good at is caring for others or listening to them i can’t afford to pursue because its just to expensive plus i’m scared of the unknown i would struggle to cope with the worry of not being able to pay for the course and keeping up with the course work because of my dyslexia and my health.