Monthly Archives: January 2018

Thinking day!

Today is a thinking day i sat last night in the cold wondering what i need to do again, no one is there anymore and i’m struggling to cope with this depression on my own people are aggitated that i send them messages or try to contact them on different social media apps, the latest replies are likei got on the week before new years eve. “What do you want” or “why are you texting”.

In the end i don’t know what i want i just need a missing link that i don’t have anymore, i’ve been used twice now and end just taking it then the minute i don’t the shit fits the fan and people take the hump, I just wish i could wan’t out of this life and disappear to somewhere where no one ever knows me or where there is no one for thousands of miles.

Think its time i moved forward with my plans so need to go out to a few other places and see how regularly people come by if not at all and how hidden away they are. then i need to decided on a time and wht, i’ve slowly started reducting the anti depressents as i don’t like what they are causing me to have more problems with so was better off without them even thought when i did go down i went donw like a lead balloon.

Either way i’m going down under anyway so it don’t really matter!!!

 

Valentine’s

Was thinking about valentines all the crap that is in the stores and all the suckers that fall for it. In my whole lifetime I never ever received one. And the first ever one I send the other year to the young lady I fancy gained me a response which expressed in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t welcomed.

The same response I got when I text looking for someone to chat to yesterday while I was just wondering around fosse park. I realise now that she waste asking me what I wanted from life! But asking what the he’ll I wanted her for as she was busy and didn’t have the time to waste chatting to me.

It’s becoming a lonely world last night I went and visited mum for an hour before the cemetery closed! I apologised to her for being a let down to the family over the years and thanked her for always covering my back when my brother and dad felt it right to make a show of how much I let everyone down.

Like yesterday afternoon constantly talking about all the years they did different family activities and I was to unwell to be a part of them and how that meant mum wasn’t always interested in them but preferred to support me instead and how that wasted pressure time that my brother could have had with mum to!!

He was right 100%? The cemetery closed at 6pm so I drove down to watermead and parked the car outside on one of the side streets nearby and walked my way along the footpath to the pontone on John merick lake and just sat there it was really cold? But all the people I’d tried to message because I felt so down and just wanted to chat absolutely no one replied, on my own like always.

It’s really peacefully at night at the lake? The only person that even questioned my presents was the park ranger who just asked if I was enjoying the fireflys dancing along the lake? Fuck knows what he was talking about? But hundred him anyway? I ended up staying there for nearly 90 minutes so quiet no one bothered me other than traffic in the background. I made a note to added to my plan.

The young lady will be glad and released to know I won’t be sending no one valentines this year!! Never sent a valentine in my lifetime up until that one and never will again but also never received one either. Only a love heart with red dye in it that my brother sent one year! I opened the wrap one year of this present I was so happy to have received only for it to explored in my face and for him and his mates to sit laughing their eyes out at me for the next few hours passing comments about spastics and freaks.

Just need to work out if the other place near keyham lane is quieter than watermead and how long before someone comes by nosing around. I was at watermead nearly an hour before the ranger turned up!!

Anything longer than that is a bonus? I worked out that making people believe I’m fine is so easy that most bar one (the young lady) don’t click I’m not!! It’s like she is interested but isn’t if you get me!! It don’t matter though she made things clearer that soup no means no she isn’t looking??

And mind you who really want to hold me or chat to me I have nothing in common. I don’t get invited to take photos anymore at the centres events at least that gave me time out. Maybe my brother and dad are right I was a failure at that to? The only good thing I do is fail!! The profession I choose to take after uni means I work alone behind a screen only known as the Blackhawk on forums and websites online, trying to do good against all the bad!! To protect people from the not so good and I’m still a failure in that.

I know I won’t text the young lady again and that will please her I’m meant to be having a supervison with someone somewhere I think but can’t dam remember with who and about what? But hey at least people have something to gossip about.

I really don’t know why I’m wasting my efforts trying to persuade that young lady to love more or even consider me but something inside says she’s worth the effort worth the fight. I’m not interested in momentary value or popularity stakes I’m interested in giving her heart and body a feeling of endless love and what she deserves plenty of cuddles and kisses and someone to hold when the days are shit ones.

Maybe I wouldn’t feel so worthless and alone if I had her at my side but may as well forget it!

Need to find two other quiet places. I’m volunteering today well meant to be but might go for a drive instead!! Will see how I feel?

Simple yet so difficult!

Why are the simple tasks so difficult i had a shower for the first time in ages on my own this afternoon but it took me 2 hours to do something so dam easy for everyone else, the water from the shower kept taking my breath and i ended up having to keep stepping out of the falling water just to take a breath.

No one understands just how difficult simple tasks are on your own, i need to shower keep clean we used to have a bath fitted but even then i needed help from dad, now that i’m a adult and now dad won’t help me and i end up struggling along doing my best i have to get the strip and then switch the water one and get under the shower as soon as possible and hold onto the fitted hand rails with one hand and wash my hair with one hand.

i then have to step out of the shower to get my breath and then step back in to continue to wash the rest of me, it don’t help having certain parts of your body wanting to be on parade to attention for most of the fucking day i wonder if the woman that take medication like me end up being as horny all the fucking time its dam right embarrassing, According to Social services i don’t currently meet the minimum requirement so support for such things as personal care therefore i tend to just struggle along and have done for the last 7 or 8 years.

Then people wonder why make a swift exit from anything that means i might get sweaty or wet, I’ve even started making a exit when i’ve got a really horny day if their are lots of young ladies around, its embarrassing and difficult to explain i grow up in a hospital enviroment where mix sexes undressed and washed at the time it was’t even thought of to have same sex accommandation then. So you quickly got over embarrassments and just laughed about it.

I just wish i didn’t struggle to do the simpliest of tasks its no longer fun to have a shower and it knackers me for the rest of the day, it don’t help that i’m really cold and tired most of the time now. I’ve been wheezy for the past few days and i’ve seen a GP and they can’t seem to find anything so i’m unable to start any antibiotics extra.

I wish i didn’t feel so low the young lady asked me what i wanted, to be honest i don’t know i want someone to make me happy again like Jenny did i don’t need friendships i want someone to love me and hold me and kiss me like she did but i’ve lost that yet again and i know i won’t get it again..

Stop Assuming Please!

Today i don’t feel that great i feel that to many people are assuming and that everyone has their eyes on my to make sure i fail, I met Jenny again last night and i took her to her monday club she didn’t want to go but once she was there her eyes lit up and that smile was there again.

The smile i remember of her having fun everyone around her assumed i took that away that i controlled her but i didn’t i don’t care who she goes with and what she does as long as she is safe and not being used, i understand she has in some peoples eyes moved backwards rather than forward i totally agree! I miss her constantly telling me the new things she is learning and enjoying i miss that feeling of pride she still believes we are together like things where but i’m sorry i can’t feel like that anymore.

Yes i miss her but she hurt me she made me relive a past i wanted to forget she did something that made me feel used yet again i’m happy to be friends and to meet her when i can but its not like it was! Danny is meeting the young lady i like today i bet he will be talking all about my appearance with jenny last night but maybe he needs to stop the assuming and start living in the really world where a apology a second time or third time means a broken nose in my book.

Tomorrow i’m volunteering again i bet i’m going to be warned yet again to stop doing something or advised that I can’t work where jenny is working, why do people asssume that i will do the work for others yeh its so easy to direct people around Leicester’s Hosptials and yeh i have been there a very long time but my role as Meet n Greet isn’t as fun as it used to be, i hate the new coordinator Rosa! She has no understand of my problems and my challenges she treats everyone the same and yes that is ok but change is a challenge for someone like me!!!

I much prefer my original coordinator and the person that perswaded me to become a volunteer in the begining i used to be a very proud UHL volunteer now i just sometimes wish the day would be over before it starts but i would miss working in the hospitals i would miss the challenges patients and visitors put up for us to solve.

I’m in a lonely world now and i just do things just because, i want to go do some more photography for the centre but can’t because my insurance has ran out and i can’t afford to pay for it until the end of next month, its only £48 for the year but as of today i only have 56p in my bank again and 26p in my pocket, and two red reminders for unpaid bills which came through the post yesterday.

I feel so alone i feel that my world has gone i have nothing to show for my life no girlfriend to be proud of and to love and cuddle and kiss and no one to listen to me, Dad told me last night that Jenny needs to stop sending text messages telling people not to use my car as a taxi and to use the bus instead. He says if i want to start he will take the car off me as him and mum put the £1,600 down payment down on it so until i pay that back its technically not mine.

Maybe the life i want will never happen maybe i need to be repaying everyone for living and maybe i need to start going ahead with my plans as even the young lady i like isn’t interested in me either, Sometimes i wish this disease and the depression that goes with it will do its worst and end everything as soon as possible…

The side effects!

It’s 3.07pm and I feel seriously crap I’ve got my stomach pain back and I’m stuck in the loo again, the third time today! Took my 10mg of prednisolone this morning and the lansoprasole tablet to try and calm the stomach acid down which it normally does without a issue! But today it’s not?

I want something to eat but know it will just go straight through me if I do, so I’m reluctant to even try drinking something either other than water.

Sarah turned in at 11am for 3 hours but isn’t well and I’ve done the food shopping and emptied the bins in the time it took her to clean the wet room.

Ready meals yet again for dad and me but how do I tell him I don’t want them anymore and I don’t have the energy or cash to go out to a pub somewhere for something, o well the pain will go and I’ll be ok again.

Empty!

Today my mind feels empty! i’m sitting here wondering why i’m even bothering both dad’s legs have started ulcerating and his symptoms are starting to duplicated exactly how mums problems started, I myself cannot do anything to help him i have to await Nursing staff to visit as i have no resources like i did when mum was here?

I’m really tired and don’t have the energy to do much, i’ve ran Sarah several times on her home phone and mobile and still no reply so i would assume i’m getting no carer support again this week i’m feeling so isolated i can’t go out anywhere just in case he needs something or does something he shouldn’t then i would be in trouble for leaving him alone knowing that he needs 24/7 support. It would breach the Adult Safeguarding law straight the way and he knows it, No one is visiting anymore even my brother says he isn’t visiting to be told what to do all the time.

I met Jenny last night it was nice to have someone around but that feeling isn’t there anymore and she gave me the 10th degree about telling people we have split up when she don’t want people to know as they would just keep rubbing her nose in it all the time, unfortunately i don’t have the energy to argue the case anymore so this time i’m stuck in a realationship i really don’t want to be in.

Although it was nice to have someone close to me again to have a cuddle and chat that feeling isn’t there! i can’t get it out my head that she can allow someone else to pleasure her and then just laugh in my face and apologies and say it won’t happen again, but it did it was the second time! why do i always find people that just want to use me and then do all they can to roan my life for me..

It was nice yesterday to finally chat to the young lady i love to bits although she has flattened my hopes of a relationship with her i still won’t give up, she is so so so sexy so beautiful a true princess with a smile to die for and a figure so princess like, I promised her i would love her like a princess if she gave me a chance but her arguemnt was that she was my coordinator for something and that means in her eyes we cannot be no more than friends, but i never mix my personal life with my professional life i never have and i wish i could perswade her to at least give me a chance even though she says she isn’t looking at this minute… PLEASE GIVE ME A CHANCE! GIVE ME A OPPORTUNITY TO TREAT YOU LIKE THE PRINCESS YOU ARE AND CUDDLE AND KISS YOU LIKE YOU DREAM OF?

While i’m breathing i have hope and although i’m feeling really down these days having her around me means i have a reason to smile and pretend to have a normal life. I want to meet her this week but seriously think that won’t happen as i don’t have the carer cover at this minute and regardless of what i say or do no one wants to listen to me.

Sarah receives £352.00 a month pay and now social services say dad will have to pay from next month £297.00 of that because he receives Pension Credit. so that means that social services are only paying £55.00 a month of the total cost of his 11 hours over 5 days carer support, in the end the 50 years of paying into the system has meant he is now having to pay for something that he paid a contributions towards for nearly 50 years, that isn’t fair?

And i’m wondering what i can do to fix it without making myself unwell, but thats to late i’m getting there already, i’m not eating i’m drinking only the glass of milk i have to take my medication every morning and the ocassional bottle of water throughout the day, Dad got me to get him a Mcdonalds yesterday and said that if i wanted anything i needed to add the money to his, unfortunately after paying all the bills last week i have about £4 left in my account so wasn’t able to afford anything.

And i don’t intent to borrow or loan any money from anyone ever i work on the principle that if i don’t have my own money then it’s my own fault and that means i don’t have anything i spent to many years paying back the bank for my failure to work out that my ex had used me as a income pool for nearly 3 years and then while i was a hospital patient she emptied my bank account and savings and returned to her husband in spain £8,000 better off and left me with debts totalling nearly £10,000.

So you see i will never trust anyone who says “i’ll let you borrow this but you give it me back when you have it” I trust no one if i don’t have the cash i don’t have the items even if it means i don’t eat or drink Full Stop..

A slow day!

Today is a slow day i woken up at 10.33 am i must have finally crashed out as i’ve not been sleeping for months really but now i feel really shit. i had my meds late and that meant my stomach pain has started up again, i think i have injured my right arm while lifting shopping the other day because its really hurting me when i move it but hey there is no one else i’m on my own so just have to work through it and hope it don’t get worse.

Dad’s legs have started to blister and that means that the infection that he had in them had gained in pace so i’ve had to call SPA (Single Point of Access) to get Rapid Intervention Nurses to come out again to see him, they have dressed his legs and are planning to keep coming back every day until they have healed.

It helps that we know the nurses anyway as they came to mum every day for 5 years, so although its nice to see them again its also sad as we remember all the good fun we had, I really do miss mum and i feel so alone now without her, the other day i go a letter from the Police thanking me for my efforts in helping a gentleman at the scene of a accident on New Years Eve, I posted a picture of it on Facebook because dad told me i should shred it as it’s not going to help me gain anything useful.

Last year i got a award for completing 5 years of service as a hospital volunteer, i brough ti back home and shown it him and the following weekend he shredded it because he said it wasn’t going to help me acheieve anything.

Finally the young lady i like started talking to me again today, i asked her out but again she said NO! her reason was because she is my coordinator for something i do, but i’ve always been able to keep my professional life seperate from my personal life so i could work with her better than she thinks, i have been brought up to not mix the two positions and although she isn’t looking i’d still like to try and make her happy if she would allow me to, she is extremely beautiful and i know i could give her so much love she would never believe, if she would just give me a chance, nothing has to be official and no one has know. Sadly i will keep trying until i can’t try anymore becaust that is how i am.

She has not stopped checking on me she knows i’m struggling to cope with everything but she still wants to know me even when i thought she had got bored of me, no one has ever done that before hence why i want to treat her nice and love her and give her a wonderful smile always even when she feels crap inside i’d like to be the one that just holds her hand and makes her feel nice, she will possibley read this and laugh at me like everyone does but i know what i mean and maybe if she looks inside her heart she will understand me to.

Dad gave me £10 to go down Mcdonalds and get him something to eat he said if i wanted anything i needed to put money to it, as there isn’t much in the fridge and most of the soups are out of date anyway, but i’ll still have them sometime when i feel like it. When i looked in my bank i’ve only got £4.65 left some that means someone has taken a direct debt again and i have anohter week to wait before i get my money again, lol well its lucky i don’t feel like eating anyway!

Dad got me to switch the timer for the heating boiler off last night and plug in the small radiator in the lounge as its cheaper, i managed to find out from social services that the reason for the price increase for his care is because he now receives Pension Credit Guarenteed so he therefore just tops the band level by £3.00 a week so he has to now pay a 90% contribution towards his care package a month rather than the 25% as before.

So dad says he is going to give a few months and then cancel everything so that we don’t have Sarah anymore which will make my brother so very happy as he says i don’t do anything as it is and that i’m the lazy bastard i’ve always been, he even said that when i was caring for me day in day out for 5 years yet he is booked his holidays for this year all of which out ourside of the UK..

Jenny seems to be telling people that we are still going out and to be honest i don’t have the energy to tell her to do one! she says that i am the reason why she has no friends now and that she is bored all the time, as i said to her she can happily do as she likes i really don’t care anymore i’m happy to be her friend but i really can’t forgive her for what she did, she roaned my happiness and although i don’t keep grudges for long it still annouys me someone. I’ll continue to chat to her and if she wants to go out somewhere i’m happy to go with her but i’m not interested in her for anything else.

Although the other night Jenny got invited to the community enterprise launch that i did because she had been a part of it from the start with me as i’d take her to meetings with me and events, one of the members of the group thought they heard me propose to Jenny but i can assure you i didn’t although i did think about it at one time before she did what she did, i have plans to ask her to marry me this year on her birthday.

Sadly that won’t happen and may never happen, like young ladies have a dream of being a bride i have a dream of being a groom something i was told i would never acheive in my lifetime because i would sacume to the disease before i could do any of my dreams, i know now for a fact that there is a 24% chance that i will be able to father a child of my own because high level drugs over the years have meant i’m not able to produce the necassay sperm to guarantee a success, but they always say practice makes perfect!!

I carry a pack of condoms in my pocket and have done for the past 3 years and still never used them and contree to what Jenny might have told people we have never done any activities that she says we have, and yes i do know how so clever comments are welcome please. I don’t believe in Porn or anything else that relates to women being degraded in any way, I also don’t believe in using people i’m loyal from the start and always have been that is probably why i’ve always lost everytime.

Yeh i have lorry loads of questions to ask young ladies who choose to love me but i’ve never had the guts to ask them and never found anyone who would love me enough to let me be so passionate as i’d like anyway.

This afternoon i’ve sat here and typed this blog i’ve just had a drink of water and am now sitting having rest, tonight i might go and sit with mum for a bit before the cemetery closes for the evening, Sarah is still unwell and highly unlikely to be coming in next week so i need to get some new flowers for the grave and go put them in the pots.. no one else goes and visits anymore and sometimes its the only place that makes me feel like someone really wants me, I asked at the reception the other day how much it would cost for the plot next to mums!

Because i’m a non city of Leicester resident it’s £1,600 for 50 years plus VAT and £560 interment charges, so will have to see if i can save for that as well as the other costs i was looking at a few weeks ago, I know people think i’m cracking up and plan to do something stupid but they are wrong i planned all these things a very long time ago and the depression has just given me time to think about it again.

The GP thinks i’m having a mental breakdown but says unfortunately the funding isn’t there to get me the treatment early so he hopes that the system will snap into place before i get to that point and if they don’t then my plans will be a god send to those around me.

The social system isn’t very helpful these days especially if you can’t cope on your own and when you ask for help no one wants to know, but thats how it goes, its 4.42pm now and dad has just had some more antibiotics as well as a dream that mum was sitting here talking to him, i’ve told him to get over it she’s dead and she isn’t coming back i’m a matter of fact person and the fact is i couldn’t do anything to save her and i watched her take her last breath because of that reason.

I promised her i’d get her well and i even let her down just like i let everyone else down these days..