I feel unwell!

I haven’t slept and now i really feel unwell i’m anxious i’ve upset the young lady i like and now she isn’t texting me i don’t want to lose her she is the reason why i’m even here at this minute because she has been listening to me and encouraging me to continue i had my medication at 9 am but i don’t feel well at all, my mobile phone was barred by the network because of a unpaid bill which i paid the other day and could prove it so even when the operator told be they couldn’t find my payment it really pissed me off.

Thankfully my bank keeps the payments authorisation code therefore my missing money could be found paying someone elses bill, I told the operator he can stick my contract and my phone if i don’t get my money back He said it wasn’t possible without the authorisation from the other bill payer, funny thing is that once i put the phone down on him and went down to the shop with my bank statement all of a sudden i can have my money back and now my bill is paid with credit.

I still feel crap i have the constant shakes and i don’t know what to do to stop it. i made a offer on facebook to anyone that wanted a milkshake making please deliver me a pint of milk and i’ll be happy to help. 3 people asked for my address (some people as so fucking thick)

I apologies for upsetting people my blog is my way of expressing my feelings and i know sometimes i upset lots of people i 100% accept that people will no longer wish to know me and this is why i’ve never kept friends for long!

So scared

I can’t stop feel so scared all I wanted to do is tell someone how I feel about them now, I’m so scared all I keep seeing when I close my eyes is the hammer head coming towards me.

I wanted to tell her how I felt hoping that she would say the same about me but I’m scared I have made a enemy I’m scared she will send someone to try and assault me, I just wanted to tell her.

I’ve been crying for half the night I don’t know were to run to I want her to cuddle me, to tell me she feels the same and to tell me I’ve done nothing wrong but it won’t happen I know I will end up were I was before for something else.

And this time my advanced medical directorate (i cant remember if i destroyed it) will kick in and my machine will be switched off.

I’m so scared that someone I trust and fancy so so much will never talk to me again, I can’t stop crying I don’t know what to do! I have no way out of my feels for her and know she will hate me with vengeance and will avoid me at all costs, I know she is the only person I ever truly trusted the only person could talk to me and I would listen.

Now I’ve lost her now I have no one all because I wanted to tell her how I feel I wanted to be accepted and loved, I’m so scared and so so tired.

Please love me please accept what I said and give me a chance, please don’t leave me to feel like this? I promise on my life I will stay professional when working along side you. I promise I won’t let you down and I promise I won’t hurt you ever.

Stop me feeling so scared stop. I don’t like this feeling i don’t want to lose people again?


What Life?

Regardless of what i do today i’m in the wrong i got up not feeling well dad was still asleep in the chair my oxyen levels where 89% but i still managed to get up get dressed and come down, the kitchen was a mess the milk was still out from him making a cupa sometime over night i poured myself a glass but i’m unsure if milk should be lumpy or not, its always like it i can’t smell or taste things unless they are really spicey.

I cleaned up all the breakfast stuff and put away all the stuff i even washed up all the pots, i go bed at 10.30 every night so i think he has a party once i’ve gone bed because there ends up being more stuff in the morning that in the who house put together.

I decided to take a seat in the lounge but didn’t notice he’d woken up and he started on me about why haven’t i took the rubbish out and hoovered the carpet, hold on i’ll shove a broom up may arse and sweep the floor as i walk i told him i wasn’t feeling to well and he just said that maybe i should stop going out all afternoon and evenings doing stuff for people then i wouldn’t be unwell, plus i’d have more time to spend helping him.

it was 10 am so i got my coat on and left him to it he can talk to his fucking self and i don’t give a flying fuck what he says to the district nurses when they come in later, i’ve had enough already and there is no one for me to talk to i’m no longer welcome. They have had enough of me keep turning to them when things are getting to me, so i normally head off down to gilroes cemetery to go sit with mum and thats where i’ve been most of the day its 2.44 pm now and i came back at 1 pm only because i was cold.

I’m really really cold but i can’t deal with being go at all the time at this minute, mum used to tell him to fucking shut up and stop picking, but she isn’t here and sooner or later the way i’m going i won’t be either.

My new medication is giving me lots of side effects that i thought i’d learn how to handle years ago but it seems i’ve not, i can’t stop my hands from shaking and really could do with a hot drink at this minute but i’ve bought myself a bottle of pepsi hopefully that will last me the rest of the day because now i only have £1.50 left to last me the week.

It looks like dad has made himself something to eat again and of course left everything out again, he says i need to call SPA (Single Point of Access) Now as no one has been to change his leg dressings, but i have this feeling they weren’t due to come today it was Monday but appariantly i’m wrong again but i’m right and he isn’t happy again so i’ve fucked off out.

I’m sitting in the car park near the canal in aylestone, I have no cash and no where to go i’ve paid all my bills but i still have to find enough money to pay the people i was with yesterday £70.00 in total as there was 7 people i need to give the young lady i fancy something too.

Jenny has text me asking if i’m ok i know she is out with her friends and as i’ve told her soon she will need her friends when i’m not around she says she cares but no one cares and she choose the man she loved when she slept with him before christmas, so its time for me to move on yet again i might log onto her google account and change a couple of numbers in my mobile phone number so she can’t contact me.

She deserves better and so does everyone else, its lovely down here today lots of people and families all the things i will never have because no one wants me! i’ll drive back home and see if there is anything around for me to eat. I’ll most likely get a earfull again but to be honest i really don’t give a fuck anymore, it seems he’s asleep again!!

I can’t believe i’ve just stood for 5 minutes watching him sleeping hoping like fuck that his chest isn’t rising but it fucking is!! Today i don’t give a fuck about anything i’m going upstairs to my room and i’ll continue my blog from there.

I always had this perfect dream! to get married and have a family i could be proud of instead my schoolboy girlfriend dies in her sleep my ex takes all my money and runs off with her husband back to spain, and Jenny fucks her ex because i’m not that interested in fucking which she is, i’m not interested in it because i don’t have any feeling down there a lifetime of high strenght medication means i’m impatant and have erectional disfunction something i’m so so so proud of! NOT? i’m worthless.

Yeh i get horny and have the thoughts but no i’ve never fucked anyone and contary to what Jenny has said or any one else its highly unlikely i ever will. Dreams are for people that are worthy of a good life, for people that have friends and a purpose in life.

My purpose in life went more than 12 years ago now i just wait for the day when i go to bed and never wake up again, The young lady i love and fancy isn’t around to chat to she is most likely busy with friends.

I’m going to try and have a sleep dad is shouting about something again downstairs but he can walk to he can get whatever he needs himself i’ve had enough already, i’ll set my alarm for 5.30 pm them go out like i always do every night, if i tell dad i’m not seeing jenny anymore he will do the “Told you so” routine and tell me he was right i’m a waste of excistance and need to have died when mum did that way everyone would be happier now.

I might take a walk along the great central way footpath later i can park the car somewhere near town, as long as i’m back home for 9 pm dad won’t care one bit!

Not well

I’ve finally woken up its 9.05 am I’m shaking like crazy and I’m really light headed I feel like I don’t have enough oxygen, my pulse oxymeter says 89% of oxygen in my blood.

That would answer why I’m feeling light headed and why I’m struggling to wake up, thank God for speech recognition software on this phone else I wouldn’t be able to write my blog.

When I’m writing my blog at night or early mornings or while I’m driving I use my Samsung Galaxy S7 and speech recognition software which is on my phone, but in the day at home I use my touch screen laptop.

I’ve managed to get dressed but the room won’t stay still and I’m starting to think someone has given me iv alcohol over night because I would imagine this is how it feels when your drunk.

Just as a note: I’ve never drank a alcoholic drink in my life or smoked, while I was a uni student someone who was on my course was found dead in their room after a night of drinking and it scared me because he had CF. His family were devastated and because at the time I was still awaiting a formal diagnosis as my symptoms where so close to CF that it terrified me into thinking that if I drank I wouldn’t wake up, now days though I sometimes hope I don’t wake up as I have nothing when I do.

Unfortunately for me at this present time I wake up! I have less in my life worth waking up for and people would rather be miles away from me, I’ve just got downstairs and dad has had his first dig of the day about the house looking a mess and not being up.

I feel so unwell but the washing up needs doing and all the breakfast stuff needs putting away, I’ve just poured a glass of lumpy milk but it seems ok to me. If I only had smell and taste it would be great but I don’t so I’ve no fucking idea if it’s gone off or not until I’m sick.

It’s a great party trick! You can make a lot of bet money when you can’t smell or taste, my oxymeter says my o2 levels are now 95% that’s better.

I just wish today I’d be able to get some time out, but I’m not welcome anywhere I know that already and it’s getting colder sitting in the car.

Although bradgate park looks nice and so does Abbey park, this time of the year. But I’m really lonely and don’t feel wanted anymore, mum’s grave looks nice and I might go and clean her headstone as no one else is interested plus it’s something to do!

My brother hasn’t been to her grave since she was buried he says there are to many bad memories and he hasn’t the time anyway, I go because I miss her and I have no one now I’m alone and she always said that once she had gone this would happen and she was right!!

I’ll head down to gilroes later I think, just need to finish cleaning the kitchen, and get myself a bag of crisps out if there is any? I still got to pay the young lady the money I owe her I’ll get that sorted to..

I see jenny still thinks I want her, she is so fucking wrong! But I give up? I don’t have the energy today to argue with anyone.